


If I didn't have you, I'd never see the sun

by disenchantedkobrakid



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Anal Sex, Bandom - Freeform, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Gay Sex, M/M, Rough Sex, Smut, Touring, live in chicago, pretty. odd.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:21:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22017061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disenchantedkobrakid/pseuds/disenchantedkobrakid
Summary: Panic! At The Disco is currently on tour for their second album Pretty. Odd. where Ryan and Brendon are enjoying the fact that they've finally admitted their feelings for each other. There are things going on behind the scenes that are everything but G-rated.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	If I didn't have you, I'd never see the sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [msjackieurie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/msjackieurie/gifts).



> Since several people have told me that I should write something fluffy and cheesy which is something I'm not really good at, I thought: Why not try it for once?  
> So this is my attempt to do so. Of course there's still an adequate part of smut and drama in this Oneshot but otherwise this wouldn't be a story of mine. 
> 
> This was actually supposed to be a 3,000-4,000 ish Oneshot but, well, things didn't go quite as planned - as always.
> 
> I had to dedicate this to my dearest Jackie whom I'm going to see tomorrow for the first time. You're my fucking soulmate and you know that. I love you so incredibly much!
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoy this. If you do, kudos and/or comments are much appreciated.
> 
> PS: Just so you know: This is going to be the last time that I'm going to upload something this year. So I wish you guys a Happy New Year already. May 2020 be amazing! (I can't believe it's actually the start of a new decade!)

They exited the stage hearing the crowd roar who wanted an encore which they had done already but the fans never got enough. Brendon could still remember the first shows they had done, back when they hadn’t had even proximately as many fans as they had now. Back when everything had been so much easier because Brendon had been naïve enough to think that if they would become famous – if that would even happen – he would be free.  
But he had quickly realized that being famous had many disadvantages. The press, the label, the crew and even the fans were setting all of them under pressure. Everyone constantly wanted something new – a new album, a new tour, news, news, news. People constantly needed something new or else they would become bored and the band would be forgotten.  
Brendon hadn’t imagined it to be like that. He hadn’t imagined that he would fall in love with Ryan while they became famous. He hadn’t imagined that the other guy would fall in love with too and he hadn’t imagined that they couldn’t tell anyone for obvious reasons.  
It wasn’t that Brendon wanted to tell anyone, he really didn’t. Ryan and he knew what they had and that was what counted but it often sucked that they couldn’t even hold hands in public. Brendon wondered how it would’ve been if they would’ve been normal teenagers and if they would’ve lived a normal life.  
But Brendon never had and Ryan had dropped out of college after one semester. They had been so young when they had started the band, they actually still were young. And Brendon couldn’t even picture himself doing anything else, doing anything “normal”.  
Zack was leading them out of the backstage area to their tour bus which was bigger than Brendon ever could’ve dreamed of. If someone would’ve told him a few years ago that that was what his life would look like now he wouldn’t have believed it. Well, not really.  
He had always wanted to be famous but even though he had been naïve first he hadn’t thought that they would actually become that famous. This was more than he ever could’ve pictured.  
Zack was the only one who actually knew about them but it was literally impossible to hide something from their manager. Of course the latter didn’t approve of what they were doing and Brendon didn’t even want to think about what would become of the band if he and Ryan separated, but at least Zack accepted it.  
And it definitely had its good sides that Zack knew. For example now: They were entering the tour bus: Jon, Spencer, Ryan, Brendon and lastly Zack and the latter was convincing the uninvolved guys to attend a party or something. Brendon didn’t even care anymore because it was always like that. Zack was creating some space for Brendon and Ryan because he probably thought that it would be better if the other guys and generally everyone was away than Brendon and Ryan being caught while doing things nobody wanted to see.  
Of course Zack managed to convince Jon and Spencer. According to him it was the event of the year but they weren’t even suspicious that Brendon and Ryan didn’t come, the taste of alcohol and weed calling them. Neither of the band was an overly excessive party person. If Brendon had to choose he would probably say that he himself was the greatest of them but generally they weren’t partying nearly as excessive as other bands were – what he had heard.  
But now it had already been months since Brendon had properly partied. Sure, he had drunk alcohol, he had smoked weed and he had been high but he hadn’t attended a party which was all because of Ryan. Not that he would complain though.  
Jon and Spencer eventually left the bus followed by Zack who turned around, knowingly looking at Brendon and Ryan. Then the door fell shut which meant that they were alone. Finally. Every minute apart from the other guy felt like an hour which made Brendon actually wonder how he had managed to not constantly be with Ryan before. But how could he have suspected that the guitarist felt the same?  
A few seconds passed where neither of them was moving, like a pillar of salt they were both standing at the same spot for what seemed to be much longer. But then it was Ryan who abruptly moved, quickly approaching Brendon and pressing him against the wall next to the sink and eventually sealing Brendon’s lips with his.  
Neither of them hesitated like they had the first few times because they had long crossed that line. It had started in a similar situation like that. A few months ago, when it had been the beginning of the tour, it had randomly occurred that Jon and Spencer had been somewhere and Zack had also done something else. They had played a show before and then it had been just Ryan and Brendon in that bus, both sweaty but happy.  
At this point Brendon couldn’t even tell anymore who had started but they had ended up kissing each other and when they had done it again the next day it had been clear for both of them that it hadn’t been an accident.  
And now they were kissing again, Ryan’s lips pressed against Brendon’s, his tongue slipping in the younger guy’s mouth exploring an area he already knew way too well at this point. They would never be able to walk around in public holding hands, they would never express their love around other people, but Brendon didn’t care. It didn’t matter when they could have this.  
Quick, hot, sweaty sex in between their duties as a band. Maybe one part of Brendon wanted to do all this romantic shit with Ryan but, hell, he gladly would refrain from that if it meant that they could continue doing this. This was worth everything.  
Ryan’s hand ran down his stomach until he eventually unzipped Brendon’s trousers, retrieving Brendon’s now half hard cock. Shortly after their clothes were spread all over the tour bus and for one second Brendon wondered how it was possible that excluding Zack nobody had figured out what was going on between them yet. One couldn’t say that they were careful because, well, they weren’t.  
But then Ryan went down on his knees, opening his mouth and approaching Brendon’s cock with the latter so that the lead singer could feel the other guy’s breath. And when Ryan eventually took Brendon’s cock in, the latter stopped thinking completely.  
First Ryan just licked along the sides, tasting Brendon whose taste was already so familiar to him but then he took in Brendon’s whole cock, all at once, not hesitating. It was weird that half a year ago neither of them had sucked another guys’ cock. Brendon could still remember the first time Ryan had sucked his which had been an awful experience. Back then the other guy had only been able to take like half of it in plus the movements of his tongue had felt everything but erotic.  
But Brendon knew that he hadn’t done it better the first time. So they had practiced and especially Ryan had become so good at sucking cock at this point. Not that Brendon had another guy to compare him with. Of course there had been women – women he had been in a relationship with or women who had sucked his cock in a dark alley because it had been a spontaneous move.  
There had been many women but Brendon couldn’t remember any of them anymore, not really. Their faces were all mixed up and Brendon was pretty sure that he wouldn’t recognize any of them if he would casually meet one on the streets. And Brendon was even surer that he would never forget Ryan. Never.  
Ryan Ross was way too good at sucking cock at this point. He was so good that after an embarrassingly short time Brendon was already so close, desperately holding back his climax because he didn’t want to come yet. He wanted to have Ryan’s mouth around his cock for a while longer, preferably forever.  
Brendon’s hands subconsciously wandered to Ryan’s hair, messing it up, grabbing it desperately and then Brendon couldn’t hold it back any longer. It was all too much – Ryan’s skilled mouth, the way he looked up at him in the filthiest way, the fact that he was stroking his own cock while sucking Brendon. It was all too much and Brendon came, down Ryan’s throat.  
His ears started cheeping when he collapsed against the wall seeing that Ryan had swallowed it all. Of course he had. Ryan Ross just loved sucking cock too much. Well, Brendon liked it too but it was a whole new level for Ryan and Brendon was here for it.  
They didn’t say a word, approaching Ryan’s bunk which was the bottom one on the right side. It would smell like sex there again but it was Ryan’s bunk so the other guys wouldn’t realize that anyways. And at this point, Brendon had to admit, he didn’t care.  
Their mouths were pressed on each other again, sharing messy kisses but Brendon had already realized that the latter were the best ones. There were always lube and condoms hidden next to the wall so Brendon took one of the latter first to wrap it around his cock. The latter was hard again even though he had just had an orgasm.  
He would’ve never thought that he would actually do that – have sex with Ryan, fuck him. He had generally never thought about having sex with another men, never really knew how that worked since schools didn’t enlighten students but then it had happened. First it had been awkward but eventually Brendon had realized that it wasn’t extremely different than having sex with a girl. At least for Brendon. For Ryan it was something completely different for sure.  
The latter now licked his lips waiting for Brendon to insert his fingers in his arsehole which he eventually did. Brendon didn’t understand how that was supposed to be an unnatural thing. How was this look of desire and pleasure on Ryan’s face supposed to be unnatural?  
It had needed a couple of times of them having sex until they had figured out what they both liked best but now that they had already managed to do that a while ago the sex was beyond amazing. They had both realized that Ryan liked it rough and so did Brendon. He would never say no to that.  
Eventually Brendon took some lube and covered his fingers with it, first inserting one, but quickly a second and finally a third. Brendon never took too much lube because he knew that Ryan liked to feel it. He knew that Ryan definitely would’ve preferred fucking without a condom and so did Brendon himself, but he definitely wouldn’t risk getting HIV or a similar disease. Too many people had already died because of that.  
They barely talked while having sex because they both liked it that way. So the only audible noise was Ryan’s quiet moaning as Brendon’s fingers fucked him. And when he finally reached that point inside of Ryan he immediately recognized it. Ryan’s mouth was wide open, his eyes were rolled back and his hands were gripping Brendon’s shoulders, desperately searching something he could hang on to.  
And then an animal-like sound escaped Ryan’s throat and Brendon stopped. Holy fuck, they were both so ready. Brendon’s cock was so hard that he felt like he would faint when he couldn’t fuck Ryan in the next minute. So Ryan laid down on his back and Brendon took his legs to place it on his own shoulders. And when the tip of Brendon’s cock finally entered Ryan’s arsehole of course he didn’t complain.  
First Brendon inserted only maybe one quarter of it in but then he shamelessly thrusted in his whole length. Ryan groaned but Brendon knew that the guitarist liked it like that. Brendon’s hands were placed around Ryan’s waist, grabbing the latter roughly. And then Brendon started moving, slowly first, but then faster, harder, even more intense.  
Brendon changed his position a bit so even more of his cock could fit into Ryan’s arsehole and then it wasn’t possible anymore because Brendon’s whole prick was in there and it felt so good. It felt so good that even Brendon couldn’t hold back a moan any longer.  
Eventually he reached the spot that made Ryan freak out. Brendon’s hands were carving marks into Ryan’s hips and Ryan’s own hands were still lying next to his body so it came as the biggest surprise for both of them when Ryan just came without premonition. Without himself or Brendon having touched his cock. Hell, Brendon didn't even know that that was possible.  
And as Brendon felt Ryan’s muscles contract around his cock he couldn’t hold his orgasm back anymore. He came for the second time that evening and this time he felt like the whole world was falling apart just to reorganize itself. And who knew who they would be then.  
Brendon remained inside of Ryan for quite some time but then the other guy started to move and Brendon’s cock slipped out defiantly. He didn’t want to but eventually he got up to approach the small bathroom of their tour bus to dispose the condom and bringe cloths so they could clean themselves up.  
There was some of Ryan’s come on his chest which he now removed handing Ryan another cloth so he could do the same. And then they got dressed. Not because they wanted to because if it would be just the two of them, Brendon would’ve easily stayed in bed naked with the guitarist for their rest of their lives. But it wasn’t just the two of them, at least not when they were on tour so they had to be careful.  
It was weird to cuddle with each other wearing all clothes again after having had rough sex barely fifteen minutes ago. It wasn’t something new that Brendon and Ryan showed affection towards each other – they even flirted with each other on stage – but in the other guys’ eyes this was all just for fun, to satisfy the fans, whatever.  
So even if someone would’ve caught them cuddling together while still wearing all of their clothes nobody would’ve suspected anything. Jon, Spencer and the crew were just too unreceptive to even consider the possibility that the other two band members could have a relationship with each other that had a sexual as well as a romantic side at this point.  
Brendon suspected that he had probably fallen in love with Ryan Ross the first time he had seen him, but he didn’t know for sure. It had all started when Brent whom he had met because they had visited the same high school had asked him to join a band which he had founded with two other guys. Brendon had agreed because why shouldn’t he had? He had been seventeen, so young, and he had had no other idea what to do with his life. He still didn’t.  
And then he had met the other two guys – Ryan and Spencer. Spencer had seemed like a nice guy but there had been something about Ryan that had immediately fascinated him. Ryan had been so shy, barely smiling, and Brendon had wanted to know what was going on in the other guys’ had. Later he would get to know that Ryan’s father was an arsehole and that Ryan had to deal with so much shit but right in that moment he hadn’t known that yet.  
In that moment he had been indescribably fascinated by Ryan Ross and he still was. Brendon guessed that that would never change. And, well, he had to realize that he had definitely fallen in love with Ryan Ross the first time he had seen him. That couldn’t be denied any longer.  
Now they were laying on the sofa which was much more comfortable than Ryan’s bunk but it would also be way riskier to fuck there which was why they hadn’t. Ryan’s body was directly touching the sofa while Brendon was lying half on top of the other guy and half on the sofa.  
And it was moments like these that made everything perfect. Sure, Brendon would never complain about his life. He loved being in a band with his best friends, he loved making music and recording albums – especially recording in the cabin had been amazing – and he even loved the fans most of the time. He wouldn’t complain but there had always been something missing and that had been moments like this.  
Cuddling with the person he loved and who miraculously loved him back. Brendon still couldn’t understand how that was possible. Brendon had always known that he wasn’t completely straight but that he wasn’t gay either because he had always found women very appealing. But Ryan had always seemed so straight.  
Sure, they had already started fooling around on stage during their Fever tour but Brendon had always thought that that had just been it – fooling around to make the fans freak out. He never would’ve thought that Ryan liked him in any other way than an amicable one. And now they were laying on the sofa, cuddling after they had just had sex. Brendon still couldn’t believe that that was supposed to be his life.  
It was almost too late for them to realize that someone was entering the tour bus but then Spencer was standing next to them, not really caring about the fact that Brendon and Ryan were practically lying on top of each other. Though Brendon had to admit that it always was like that. Neither Spencer nor Jon would think about them in any other way but an amicable one. They would never think that the lead singer and the guitarist would actually share another bond.  
Ryan had already realized months ago that the relationship between him and Spencer had changed. It had even been before he and Brendon had started fucking because at some point they had just stopped talking to each other – at least about the important things. Spencer certainly had his own secrets he didn’t want to share with Ryan and then the whole thing with Brendon had started so Ryan had also started having a secret and neither of them told the other person.  
Ryan couldn’t even tell why it was like that. They had been best friends since they had been little boys but at this point Ryan didn’t even know if he could even consider Spencer a friend at all. He didn’t hate him – of course he didn’t, he could never – but when Jon had joined the band Ryan had immediately realized that they were slowly drifting apart, and he hadn’t done anything about that.  
He would never blame Jon or Spencer, as well as he wouldn’t blame himself or Brendon because he doubted that one could really do so but Jon had certainly changed things by joining Panic!. When they had kicked out Brent they had been desperate to find a new bassist, not wanting to continue as a trio, and Jon had been the perfect choice.  
Jon had their sense of humor, was about their age and was actually good at playing bass. And most importantly he had brought a new energy to their group and that had been what they had all needed after Brent.  
“What happened?” Ryan eventually asked because he could see displeasure on the other guy’s face. Maybe they didn’t talk about proper things anymore but Ryan would always be able to read his best friends’ expression to at least say what was going on inside of him.  
Spencer looked distressed and eventually said. “It’s Haley. She just… She broke up with me?” It rather sounded like a question than like an actual statement which could’ve been funny in another situation but Ryan didn’t feel like laughing in that moment.  
“Why the hell would she do that? I thought things were great between you two?” Ryan eventually replied but then realized that he didn’t know anything really because – well – he and Spencer didn’t talk about that kind of stuff anymore. But right in that moment Spencer looked like he needed someone to talk which was why Ryan broke away from Brendon who hadn’t said anything yet and sat up to look at the drummer.  
“I wanted to propose to her, you know?” Spencer finally said quietly but how would Ryan know? Sure, he and Haley had been together for about three years now and maybe Ryan would’ve thought that Spencer would propose to her one day but not while they were still so young. They were all still so fucking young. Sometimes Ryan forgot that considering what they had already experienced.  
And now Haley whom Spencer had honestly loved – Ryan knew that at least – had broken up with in the middle of the Honda Civic tour which they were headlining. That certainly was a great prospect for the upcoming shows.  
Finally, Brendon sighed and said: “Why did you come here then? Why don’t we all get madly drunk?” and – well – Ryan would’ve expected the lead singer to say something like that because that was so like him. In situations like these getting drunk seemed to be the only solution for Brendon, Ryan already knew that from a time where they hadn’t had a thing yet and where Brendon and he himself had had girlfriends.  
Brendon generally loved getting drunk, loved going to parties, loved fucking things up while Ryan had always preferred staying at home or in the tour bus. Their personalities couldn’t be more different but maybe that was something Ryan loved about their relationship. Brendon was the extrovert who often overreacted and Ryan was the introvert who brought him back to the ground.  
But of course Spencer smiled at Brendon’s idea. “Yeah, let’s do that.” Ryan had no idea where Jon was or even less Haley but he guessed that Spencer had probably already some alcohol running through his veins. And he doubted that Haley would continue to join them on tour at this point. He hated her. Ryan had never really liked Spencer’s girlfriend but now he really hated her.  
Somehow they decided that that was what they would do now: getting drunk. And well, Ryan usually preferred to do other things but maybe he wanted to do that too that day so he smiled and the three of them got out of the tour bus. Because why shouldn’t they be allowed to forget all of their problems for one evening?  
Spencer walked in front of them and because the drummer didn’t look at them Ryan quickly grabbed Brendon’s hand, smiling at the other guy. Maybe he wouldn’t have done that on most other days but right in this moment he was pumped with adrenaline – from the sex they had had before and from what would follow now.  
Ryan had no idea where they were going. He had been in Detroit before but couldn’t say that he remembered much about that city. Panic! had immediately been such a big success which nobody of them would’ve expected. Even Pete who had signed them in the first place hadn’t and he had believed in their band from the beginning.  
But since they were so successful all the cities they had played in were blurred together. Sure, there were some places or some memories he had made in a city but he couldn’t remember most things anymore. It had become too much too fast.  
Something Ryan would never forget though was the night he and Brendon had first kissed in New York. They had been on tour back then, but a different one than the one they were on now. One night they had fortunately had a hotel room – not that Ryan would complain about sleeping in a bunk where he could feel and hear Brendon above him – one for Spencer and Jon and the other for Brendon and him – of course.  
They had been watching TV where some silent film had been airing and like most of the times Ryan couldn’t even tell anymore how exactly it had happened but they had ended up kissing – both completely sober. Brendon had started to mess up Ryan’s hair and Ryan had been so horny that night but nothing else but kissing had happened.  
And when they had woken up the next day, intertwined, neither of them had been shocked. Instead they had continued kissing until Ryan couldn’t breathe anymore. And then they had laughed and acted as if what they had done was the most normal thing in the world. Actually, it still was.  
Eventually they reached a car which would probably bring them to a club. Ryan wondered how long the driver had been waiting there but he didn’t show any sign of anger when they entered the vehicle. But that was actually his job: Driving people around and stay calm in every situation.  
Neither of them really talked as they were driving through the city because they had silently decided that they would ignore their problems for at least one night. Or maybe forever. That seemed to be a good option. Ryan had always been so good at ignoring his problems or at least at delaying dealing with them until it was actually too late.  
When his father had died it had been months since they had talked the last time. There had been so much they had needed to talk about but Ryan as well as his father had always avoided it – maybe that was something Ryan had inherited from his father. And suddenly it had been too late. Ryan had never had a good relationship with his father but when he had died he had suddenly felt guilty and he had hated his father for that.  
But right in this moment Ryan wouldn’t think about that anymore. They would have a great night, they would get drunk and they would forget everything around them. Eventually they arrived at a club which looked way too fancy for Ryan’s taste but now that they were here he certainly wouldn’t run away.  
There were to bouncers in front of the door who wanted to see their ID’s so all three of them grabbed theirs – Spencer of course his fake one. But they were all wearing a poker face so the bouncers didn’t get suspicious and they were allowed to pass.  
They had been doing this for so long already. Ryan had been the first one to turn twenty-one and Brendon had roughly five weeks ago but before they had all needed fake ID’s. It wasn’t a big thing for neither of them.  
When Panic! had started to become so popular, Ryan had immediately realized that actually all celebrities needed to play a role. Even those who weren’t actors had to act different when they were in public because if everyone would act like they did privately they would expose way too much of themselves. And having fake ID’s was just another part of playing that role.  
The club didn’t look less fancy from the inside than it did from the outside but Ryan immediately approached the bar, quickly followed by Brendon and Spencer. There had been a time where he hadn’t drunk alcohol for months because he had felt so guilty and because he didn’t want to end up like his father. But then his father had died and he couldn’t stand all the emotions anymore which was why he had started doing it again. Ryan definitely wasn’t an alcoholic, he didn’t even drink alcohol every day, but when he did drink, he did it right.  
Shortly after they were all hammered, laughing like madmen and dancing like idiots. There weren’t too many people in the club since it was Tuesday in a normal week of work so they had one corner of the VIP area for themselves. At some point Brendon stood up and went to the restroom. Ryan considered staying with Spencer but then he decided that he would follow the lead singer.  
Ryan barely needed seconds to find Brendon who was leaning against a wall, wearing a smirk on his face. They seemed to be alone but Ryan didn’t want to risk anything which was why he dragged Brendon to a bathroom stall and locked the door before finally pressing his lips on the lead singers’.  
Brendon couldn’t stop smiling which was contagious so the kiss turned out to be rather an attempt to meet their lips than actually sharing a passionate experience. Ryan wanted to go down on Brendon like he had before but Brendon grabbed his shoulder, looking apologetically. “I appreciate your fierceness but I actually need to pee.” Ryan needed a few seconds to process what the other guy had just said but when he had, he started laughing. Eventually Brendon did too and they couldn’t stop laughing like madmen.  
***  
The next two days where they didn’t have a concert passed off rather quickly but then they arrived in Chicago and Ryan got pretty nervous because he knew that today’s show was going to be filmed so people all over the world would be able to see it any time. At the beginning Ryan had had to deal with severe stage fright which now had gotten better but it was something completely else to be filmed while playing a show.  
Ryan could still remember when they had done that two years ago at their show in Denver. Back then they had not only filmed them on stage, but also they had interviewed them backstage and Ryan had been so close to just dropping dead at some point. But then he had survived it and now he had to do it again. He should get used to that, he knew that, but it wasn’t as easy as people thought, especially for a person like him.  
Ryan had never been the kind of person who would randomly speak to an alien person if he didn’t need to. He had never been good with other people, often didn’t know what to say and constantly thinking about every single one of his actions. These certainly weren’t the best premises for someone to be on stage but usually it was something different there. Usually Ryan forgot the cheering crowd at some point and got lost in their music. Just not when they were actually being filmed. That was something he would maybe never get used to.  
Brendon was casually holding his hand, Zack was disapprovingly sitting opposite of them while Spencer and Jon were still asleep. Life could’ve been perfect in that moment, expect it wasn’t. Eventually they arrived at the Congress Theater which looked pretty decent from the outside, Ryan had to admit that. They got out of the tour bus – which Ryan loved the look of, by the way – and entered the hall through the back door. And then there were already way too many people wanting to talk to them.  
Brendon saw several interviewers and also Shane who would direct that whole thing. He usually was the one who got involved when they had to film a show, documentary or something. Brendon knew that Ryan had his problems with being filmed on stage and he wished that he could continue holding the guitarist’s hand but he knew that this wasn’t possible.  
They had approximately three hours until the show would start which wasn’t much considering that they still had to do sound check, get dressed and get their makeup done and also give interviews. But they had already managed to do more extreme things, Brendon knew that.  
The sound check passed off as usual and then it was time for them to get dressed. Brendon would never forget Ryan’s amazing but crazy looks from when they had toured two years ago but he knew that Ryan barely did that anymore. And he missed it. Brendon himself had never been good at artistically drawing make-up on his face and he had never really liked having something on his face but Ryan – hell, Ryan – was a true genius at creating the most wonderful looks.  
Instead Ryan had chosen olive colored trousers and a black and red sprinkled sark along with a beige-brownish colored vest. Brendon couldn’t really identify it, he could only say that Ryan looked amazing. Of course he did, well, he always looked way too good.  
The time literally flew by and then it was already time for them to get on stage. Brendon almost forgot that Spencer and Jon were also there because he only had eyes for Ryan who looked frightened. A little touch on his shoulder was all he Brendon could do though.  
Spencer entered the stage first, sitting down behind his drum set, quickly followed by Jon who took his position on Brendon’s right side and then it was Ryan’s turn. Last but not least Brendon got out there, looking at the cheering cried and not being able to hide a smile. If someone would’ve told him when he was 16 that he would stand in front of 3,500 people who all wanted to listen to him he never would’ve believed it. But there were so many things he wouldn’t have believed years ago.  
Quickly smiling at Ryan, Brendon eventually turned to the crowd and started singing We’re So Starving. And even though Brendon knew how anxious Ryan was, he wouldn’t have seen anything of that if he hadn’t known the other guy so well. Throughout the whole show Ryan interacted with the crowd, smiled with them and behaved like he would do that every day.  
Maybe it was because he was older now or maybe it was just because Brendon’s confidence was contagious but this night didn’t turn out as bad as Ryan would’ve expected.  
They played Mad As Rabbits as the last song and it turned out to be one of the best nights of Ryan’s life. He didn’t even want to exaggerate here but it really was. When they got off stage they could still hear the cheering fans for minutes and neither of them was able to stop smiling.  
Ryan couldn’t believe that they were already doing this for almost four years now. It certainly felt like it had been yesterday where Ryan had sent Pete that demo so Fall Out Boy’s bassist had gotten interested in them and eventually signed them. It still felt surreal, even after all these years.  
And because Ryan had thought about Pete in that moment, the older guy was actually standing in the backstage area, smiling at them. Ryan knew that Chicago was Pete’s as well as Patrick’s home town or rather that they were both from the metropolitan area around the city. So maybe Ryan had wished for Pete to come but he definitely hadn’t expected it.  
“Great show, guys.” Pete greeted them, quickly hugging first Jon, then Spencer, eventually Brendon and lastly Ryan. Ryan had always felt like he and Pete had some kind of special connection, both of them being the biggest fuckups of their bands and more importantly, both of them being the lyricists of their bands.  
Zack was saying something Ryan didn’t really understand because he was too lost in his thoughts but eventually they got out of the Congress Theater. Of course there were fans at the back entrance. Somehow they always managed to get there even though it was legally not allowed. But Ryan had to play a role and right now he needed to smile and sign their stuff even though he definitely would’ve preferred other things. And these other things maybe included Brendon and a hotel room.  
It wasn’t that Ryan hated meeting fans because he actually was okay with it and sometimes really appreciated how much people enjoyed music they had made. But he hated meeting fans right in this moment where he and Brendon luckily had a hotel room for themselves because they would have another show in the same hall the next day and where he wanted to do everything but meet friends.  
At some point Zack dragged them away from the fans and to a car that would bring them to the hotel they would stay in. Ryan guessed that their baggage had probably already been delivered there. What a fancy lifestyle they were living.  
Pete joined them, asking what they had planned for the evening and of course they would go to another party where neither Brendon nor Ryan could say no because, well, Pete was there too and that would’ve been way too suspicious.  
Since this was Pete’s hometown he obviously had the connections there which was why they ended up at a house party whit dozens of people Ryan didn’t know. The only other person next to Pete he actually knew was Joe whom he spotted somewhere in the crowd but they didn’t even talk.  
Ryan and Brendon eventually went to the house bar, getting cut off from the others and that was when the lead singer quickly took the guitarist’s hand. Ryan was pretty sure that everybody who would’ve looked closely would’ve been able to identify their looks as ones of people who were in love but fortunately nobody cared enough.  
Brendon ordered something Ryan couldn’t understand but gladly took anyways. But when Ryan took the first sip he almost spluttered it because the liquid was so disgustingly sweet. And Brendon seemed to think so too. “Let’s have our own party, shouldn’t we?” The other guy asked and Ryan looked around skeptically. Of course he would’ve preferred being alone with Brendon over everything but that evening was different. Pete was with them and Ryan actually liked Pete. Well, he also liked Spencer and Jon, of course, but it was something different with Pete.  
But then Ryan looked at Brendon’s shimmery eyes, at his half-parted lips and at his messed up hair and said “Fuck it.” They were both semi-drunk at this point, giggling like teenagers and actually it wasn’t long since they had been teenagers. Because of the band they had had to grow up so fast but Ryan thought that they were still allowed to act like irrational 16-year olds.  
Fortunately nobody they knew encountered them on their way out of the house and all the other people were way too caught up or drunk to realize that half of Panic! At The Disco was leaving the party. Not that anyone had cared that they had been there in the first place. At parties like these there were way too many famous people so Ryan and Brendon didn’t stick out much.  
They decided to walk to their hotel by foot which maybe wasn’t the greatest idea considering that neither of them knew Chicago that well and that they were both semi-drunk. But neither Brendon nor Ryan wanted to be accompanied by other people in that moment. That was something they understood without saying a word.  
Ryan and Brendon had always needed not that many words to understand each other but since they had gotten together, Brendon felt as if they didn’t need to talk at all because the one person somehow understood what the other person wanted or felt. And that was something Brendon had never had and probably would never have with another person.  
It was dark outside and they were alone on the streets so Brendon dared to take Ryan’s hand and the other guy immediately responded the handclasp. It didn’t happen often that they could actually walk around holding hands but it was situations like these that made everything perfect.  
Brendon smiled at Brendon while they were walking through the streets, finally seeing the high building which was their hotel. They were lodged in the highest building of the city fortunately so it wasn’t that hard to find it. “I love you, Ryan.” Brendon then said looking Ryan straight in the eyes. These three words weren’t something either of them would pronounce that easily.  
Brendon had been in several relationships over the years and they had been great but he had never loved any of the women. Somehow he had always known that since he had met Ryan for the first time there would be nobody else but the introverted guitarist who had been supposed to be the lead singer of the band. Brendon still couldn’t imagine the latter. Ryan wasn’t lead singer material. Sure, his voice sounded amazing and Brendon could melt while hearing it every time but Ryan just wasn’t the right person to be a lead singer.  
Ryan’s handclasp got more intense and Brendon could see a hunger in the other guys’ eyes that he felt too. “You don’t know what I’m going to do to you when we’ve arrived in that fucking hotel room.” Ryan groaned and Brendon grinned. “Oh, I think I know. But why don’t you just show me? We’re almost there.” Ryan and Brendon were exchanging the filthiest glances in that moment but neither of them cared.  
And then they finally arrived at the hotel, quickly passing the woman at the counter and taking the elevator to their floor in which in the last second one middle-aged man joined them. Brendon felt as if anyone could feel the sexual energy between him and Ryan but even if the other guy did, Brendon had long crossed the point where he would care.  
And he didn’t even do that on purpose. How could he not freak out while Ryan was standing in front of him, ready to fuck?  
Finally they reached the floor their room was located at and Brendon took out the card with trembling hands, unlocking the door and then they were finally alone, really alone.  
Ryan didn’t hesitate for one second, grabbed Brendon’s shoulders and pressed him against the now closed door, causing a slight sound of a collision. Barely one second later Ryan’s lips were pressed against Brendon’s with such a virulence that both of them almost collapsed on the ground.  
Ryan took Brendon’s upper lips between his teeth, biting on it which was incredibly sexy and then Brendon couldn’t withstand it any longer. Ryan was the one who loved sucking cock so much but this time it was Brendon who got down on the other guy which Ryan realized quite surprised.  
Brendon messily opened Ryan’s belt, the button of his trousers and the zipper and then finally pushed the annoying piece of clothing down, quickly followed by Ryan’s boxers. Ryan helped by taking off his shirt and then one guy was standing naked in front of the other who was still completely dressed.  
But Ryan didn’t even have the chance to remark that because seconds later Brendon’s lips were already touching Ryan’s cock and suddenly the guitarist stopped thinking. Brendon took in Ryan’s cock so incredibly slowly that it was almost painful but eventually his mouth had captured it all and Ryan could feel how the tip of his cock touched the back of Brendon’s throat, playing with Brendon’s deglutition reflex.  
And then Brendon started sucking on it like he would on a lollipop and Ryan couldn’t hold back a moan. Brendon was torturing him by letting almost the whole length of Ryan’s cock slip out of his mouth while Ryan was already so close but then the lead singer started sucking on it again, more vehemently this time and Ryan felt the need to grab something but excluding Brendon’s hair nothing was there.  
So he started gripping several strands of the hair while fucking Brendon’s mouth and then he came. When Ryan reached his climax he felt like he would fly out of his body, fly away from this world because it was a truly ethereal experience. Brendon swallowed the sperm but didn’t manage to capture it all so when Ryan’s cock slipped out of the lead singer’s mouth the white substance was disseminated all over his mouth. Brendon looked so filthy and Ryan thought that he had never been more pleasant to his eyes.  
Both of them needed a few moments to calm down, especially Ryan slowly came back to the ground but then they managed to approach the bed which was standing in the middle of the room, only one wall behind it.  
The room looked pretty casual – not as fancy as other hotel rooms they had been in over the course of time but not as shabby as a decomposed motel in which Ryan had also made some experiences. To Ryan this room was perfect and he would’ve preferred to stay there much longer but he knew that they had to leave for Milwaukee the day after tomorrow.  
It was always like that. Half of the year they were on tour and when they weren’t they still had to do band related stuff – give interviews, make music videos, film documentaries and at some point create a new album. Ryan didn’t even want to think about the latter yet. It wasn’t that he feared recording new music but he just felt that it wasn’t the right time for that yet.  
Also, they had released Pretty. Odd. about two months ago so there was definitely enough time for them to relax. They had needed two and a half years to finally release a new album, had shredded another one in between so Ryan didn’t think that it would be a big problem if they needed years again.  
“You okay?” Brendon asked at some point and Ryan realized that he had been extremely inattentive even though they were kind of in the middle of having sex. Finally, Ryan nodded claiming that he was just tired and Brendon looked at him skeptically. Ryan knew that this could’ve been a bad excuse but it was the truth in his case.  
“I’m sorry. I’m honestly so tired. Can’t we just sleep?” Ryan practically begged and eventually Brendon nodded. Ryan could see the other guys’ boner and felt bad but neither of them said anything anymore. Instead Ryan turned around and Brendon snuggled up to Ryan. The last thing Ryan heard before he fell asleep was Brendon saying that he loved him. For one second he felt bad that he hadn’t replied but he was way too tired to do so and then Ryan was already asleep.  
***  
Ryan was the first one to wake up the next day which usually happened. Neither of them slept very long but most of the time Ryan was the person who woke up a few minutes earlier. He had already realized that he slept so much better when he was snuggled up with Brendon. Before he often had had problems falling asleep or sleeping through the night but since Brendon and he were sharing a bed this barely happened anymore.  
Ryan could see Brendon’s boner which was visible even through the blanket and slowly pushed away the blanket to capture it with his mouth just like ‘The early bird catches the worm’. Brendon started making noises and eventually opened his eyes grinning. “Well, I see you’re not so tired anymore.”  
Ryan leaned back which caused a sound of disapproval coming from Brendon but then the guitarist started inserting one finger into Brendon’s arsehole. “I’m the complete opposite of tired right now.” Ryan said while adding a second finger and Brendon, well, Brendon didn’t say anything anymore. Instead he spread his legs so they were remaining at Ryan’s hips.  
The guitarist stopped, quickly grabbing a pack of condoms and lube from the nightstand. He tried to be cool by ripping the pack open with his teeth but of course failed because every time one tried to impress someone it never worked. Instead Brendon took the still wrapped condom and opened it normally, eventually slipping it on Ryan’s cock.  
Ryan loved that they could always switch between who fucked whom and that they never had to talk about it. Sometimes Brendon loved to fuck Ryan and sometimes Ryan loved to fuck Brendon. It just was like that and Ryan couldn’t really understand how couples could do the same part for their whole lives.  
Taking some lube and putting it on his fingers, Ryan continued spreading Brendon’s hole open, finally having put three fingers in there. “Just fuck me already.” Brendon eventually said, always the more eager person of the two of them – at least when it was about getting fucked. When it was about sucking dick Ryan definitely won the award of eagerness.  
And Ryan didn’t complain. He was so horny at this point, seeing how Brendon was laying there completely exposed and ready for him. Breathing in deeply Ryan finally thrusted his cock inside Brendon’s hole, so hard that Brendon screamed painfully but Ryan continued thrusting inside because that was what they both needed now.  
They had quickly realized that they both loved rough, harsh sex and that was what Ryan was implementing here. Brendon’s legs were resting on his shoulders and Ryan was standing in front of the bed Brendon was laying on with his back. This position allowed him to push his cock in even further.  
Brendon was touching himself and Ryan was touching the lead singers’ ass, probably leaving bruises there. And then it was too much and Ryan came first, loading his semen into Brendon’s ass. He was barely able to keep standing when he eventually felt Brendon come too. The lead singers’ muscles contracted around his cock and one slight second later Ryan could feel and see Brendon’s semen on both of their stomachs.  
They needed some time to come back to the ground, especially Ryan who was the one standing, was barely able to do the latter at this point. But eventually Ryan pulled out his cock, threw away the condom and collapsed next to Brendon on the bed. And that was where both of them were remaining for minutes.  
Finally Brendon turned around, stroking Ryan’s hair and smiling in a way that made Ryan wonder how he had managed to resist that smile for years. But he never would’ve thought that Brendon would be interested in him. Hell, he never would’ve thought that he himself would be interested in men in general. But now they already were together for months – secretly, yes, but they knew what they had and that was what counted – and Ryan felt like the gender of a person was probably the least important thing when it was about love.  
Because he loved Brendon. He loved Brendon so much that he felt like he would burst. He loved Brendon like they were the moon and the sun. Two completely different sides that had fallen in love. When the moon fell in love with the sun, all was golden in the sky, all was golden when the day met the night. Ryan felt like this song was probably the one that fit their relationship the best.  
Because Brendon and Ryan where like the moon and the sun. They were so different but still, they had fallen in love with each other and since then everything was so different, everything was better, everything was golden.  
“I love you, Brendon.” Ryan finally said, smiling, but got interrupted by a knock on their door. Seconds later they were able to hear Spencer’s voice. “Where did you go yesterday? What did you do?” Neither Brendon nor Ryan answered because instead they had to hold back their laughter. And then Spencer continued talking. “Anyways, we all wanted to eat breakfast together. 10 minutes, downstairs in the restaurant.”  
A minute passed until they heard Spencer walk away and then they finally starting to laugh like madmen. “We should probably go there.” Ryan eventually said because, well, they should. Brendon managed to stop laughing too and then said: “Well, we don’t have to. We could pretend that we’ve still been asleep. We could pretend to be asleep for like half the day.”  
The lead singer wiggled his eyebrows smirking knowingly and Ryan funnily punched him. “No, we won’t do that. I’m hungry plus I want to talk to Pete. We haven’t seen him in a while.” “How do you know that Pete is also there?” Brendon asked still not being that convinced to actually get dressed and move downstairs. Ryan shook his head, still smiling. “The whole breakfast thing is obviously his idea, you know, a pretty hangover breakfast for everyone. He definitely will be there.”  
Eight minutes later they arrived in the hotel’s restaurant, just on time, and Pete actually was there. Of course he was. Spencer looked a little bit surprised so maybe he had really thought that Ryan and Brendon were still asleep but didn’t comment on them coming down. It was actually Pete who started talking first. “What did you guys do yesterday? Why did you leave the party?” Ryan and Brendon hadn’t thought about a good excuse so Brendon just replied “We couldn’t find you anymore so we thought that either you had left too or were doing whatever and we didn’t want to stay at the party while knowing nobody.”  
Well, that was probably the worst excuse of all times since everybody knew how much Brendon loved going to parties and since he was a pretty extrovert person he didn’t care about not knowing anyone then. Everyone looked at them skeptically but eventually they went to their table which Brendon really appreciated.  
Somehow they had managed to not look like they had just fucked – at least in Brendon’s opinion – but his cheeks were still red and his hair was greasy in a way that could only be solved with a proper shower. And well, they definitely hadn’t had the time for the latter.  
Eventually they ordered a big breakfast and when the food arrived the mood at the table visibly got more relaxed. Spencer and Jon were there, as well as Zack and Pete along with Joe who looked the most wasted of them all. It was an interesting round but Ryan felt like he could live with that.  
He could definitely live with fucking in hotel rooms while being on tour with these people. He could live with hiding forever if Brendon only never left him. Because the latter was his biggest fear. Nobody had ever stayed with Ryan before but Ryan felt like Brendon would be the first one. He needed to believe that so desperately.  
They were secretly holding hands under the table – what a cheesy thing to do. Ryan had never felt the need to actually adapt little romantic gestures but with Brendon he wanted it all. He wanted the holding hands under table, he wanted the cuddling after they had woken up but he also wanted the messy kisses and the rough sex when they were both so desperate to fuck.  
Joe was talking about the girl he had made out with the night before, still half-drunk but Ryan wasn’t really listening. Instead he actually started eating because, well, having sex made hungry and what else was he supposed to do?  
Generally they were talking about more casual stuff until Pete eventually claimed that he had to go and that was when everybody else decided to stand up too. Ryan quickly hugged Pete asking if the bassist would come to their show again the upcoming night and when he nodded Ryan felt like this day couldn’t get any more perfect.  
Sometimes Ryan still couldn’t believe that Pete fucking Wentz whom he had looked up to for years before they had actually founded the band, had signed them and that they were similarly famous as Fall Out Boy at this point. Ryan would never actually dare to compare their bands but looking at the masses of fans only proved that.  
Eventually the group parted, Pete probably heading to his house and Joe doing whatever, Spencer and Jon going to their room before they would so something else for the day, Zack of course managing some stuff and Brendon and Ryan heading back to their own room.  
When they arrived there Ryan couldn’t stop feeling this infinite happiness but there was also the bitter taste of the feeling that he didn’t deserve this. And that was something he would maybe never stop feeling – the fear that it would be over soon, that the band thing and more importantly the thing between him and Brendon was just something temporary. Because if the latter would be the case, Ryan would certainly break down.  
“What are you thinking about again, my love?” Brendon asked as they had laid down on the bed – fully clothed - , realizing that something was wrong. Ryan still got goosebumps all over his body every time Brendon called him that. Certainly he was acting like a fucking teenager but maybe he was one. He had never experienced something like this when he had been sixteen years old so why shouldn’t he be allowed to act like that now?  
“It’s just… We’ve met each other four years ago because of fucking Brent, can you believe that? Back then we’ve both been so young, you hadn’t even finished highschool yet and I had planned on dropping out of college. We’ve been random people. And now we’re… I don’t know what exactly we are at this point but we're certainly not random people anymore. People listen to our music, people want to see us live and… Do you sometimes have that moment where you can’t believe that this is actually your life? Because I certainly still have problems processing that it is.”  
Ryan’s flow of speech stopped and he was looking at Brendon as if the lead singer was his life. And well, maybe he was. Ryan was sure that if Brendon wouldn’t be there anymore he would die.  
“Every day, Ryan.” Brendon finally answered and Ryan needed a few seconds to understand that the other guy was replying what he had said before. “I can’t believe it either, okay? I know that I’m not that 17 year old Mormon boy anymore, certainly not. I’m still figuring out who I am but I know I’m not who I was.”  
“Wow, that’s poetic. I’m supposed to be the lyricist of the band but maybe we should switch roles.” Ryan laughed turning towards Brendon who was laughing too. “No, I think that you’re doing a damn good job.” Brendon eventually returned seriously and then he started kissing Ryan, soft this time, and Ryan immediately kissed him back.  
His hand was running through Brendon’s greasy hair, messing it up even more and Ryan seriously wondered when they had showered the last time. He couldn’t even remember anymore. It was different then earlier where they had immediately fucked after having woken up. Now they were still wearing all of their clothes, not hurrying to get rid of them.  
And that was what Brendon loved so much about their relationship. They could have this messed up, rough sex as well as they could have cuddling and sweet kisses. With Ryan he could have it all. What could’ve been seconds or minutes later, they broke apart, smiling at each other and Brendon felt like if that was supposed to be his life now – the band, the fans, the touring, but most importantly Ryan – he could definitely live with that.  
“I love you, Brendon.” Ryan said casually and Brendon still couldn’t believe that the guitarist was saying that to him in an absolutely non- platonic way. They were both grinning like idiots but Brendon felt that that was what made this thing called love so wonderful.  
“I love you, I appreciate you, thank you so much for existing, and always remember how dope you are.” He eventually said to his boyfriend and Ryan shrugged. “I guess you win.” He didn’t mean that, not really, because nobody could win when it was about love. Love wasn’t a game. Maybe it was for some people but certainly not for Brendon and Ryan. Brendon took this thing damn serious.  
“We definitely should take a shower.” Ryan eventually added, laughing, and Brendon couldn’t help but laugh too. Only Ryan could talk about taking a shower after such a romantic moment. But well, he certainly was right. “Yeah, we should.” Brendon finally replied and then he kissed Ryan again.


End file.
